HALT

Stopped posting
Stopped exercise
Stopped dieting

I cannot help it I'm lazy
I'm still contemplating on getting a new job
I know my mom is worried that I will stay a bum
I think she forgot that it was her idea that I resign in the first place
I haven't even been home for a month yet.
I have a friend who was a bum for 6 moths another for 8 months and I have never been a bum.
She is aksing me why I don't want to go back to the university when it was her who gave up on supporting my studies.
I remember the night she told me that she has spent enough on my education and she needs to support my sis this time. I should work to study.

I have been working ever since I can remember. I take a months rest and she is already frantic. That's why I hate her. Yes I love her but I hate her.
I am what I am because of her, of course she won't admit it but I tend to be selfdestructive out of spite.
I don't want to graduate because I don't think it is worth it.

I never felt her real concern, it was like she is doing everything because it is her duty not because she truly cares. She never made time she never made any effort to get close to me. May be becase I am the eldest and I robbed them off their dreams. I feel it. I always have. I am like their mistake and they are straightening it up with my two sibs.

I studied at a private school, always ashamed and deprived because I don't know why I was there. I don't belong. I envy my classmates. They have pretty ribbons on their hair. Beautiful toys and things. New uniforms and nice skin. Eveyday is a struggle and I had to face it alone. They never explained to me anything at that age. I would have understand, I was very intelligent. They should have assured me that it's ok not to have material things. I was awarded 1st honor when I was in kinder because my adviser pities me. I was actually her favorite because I stand out in the sea of rich kids. I remember that everything I own is simple.

We were poor but not very poor. I remember jumping up and down just because they bought a liter bottle of Coca Cola. I remember one christmas party (kinder 1) that I don't have anything new or nice to wear. My mom told my dad to buy me something, so when I saw the new shirt and skirt I was so excited to wear it, even of it hasn't been washed yet. I remember that the top was red with fraction shapes and the skirt was white with the same design, I went to school feeling all pretty when a classmate approached me at the door to say "Why are you wearing houseclothes (pambahay)? " I didn't answer. I don't know what to say. Then he continued by saying, "You are not wearing a party dress." I don't know how I handled it but I was scarred for life. I remember my adviser was so proud of me when I was awarded on the stage. I felt the love. I remember getting excited when its a classmate's birthday because that meas we will have food and party in the class.

When I was in K2 I remember my first day, I was seated in between Arel and Justine when he told me that I am rich, I asked why, he said, "Because I have so many coins on my legs (he was referring to my scars)"

It didn't affect me at the time, but knowing now that I remember all of it makes me realized it was a traumatic childhood. I probably hate my mom because she left me at school from 12nn to 4pm which is like eternity to a child, I don't have money or food, I have to find ways to kill that time. I spent time in the library and talked to vendors. They became my friend I talk them and watch people buy their peddle. if I'm lucky they even give me free taste. I wish I could talk to them now and say thank you.

I am crying as I type all these because I still feel it all. No wonder I leaned towards earning my own money at an early age. I preferred buying stuff on my own. I save up for my birthday parties. I treat my sister and brother if I can. I want them to feel the little luxuries of life that I didn't have. I hope they won't feel the way I did. I probably need therapy to get over this. I will know I'm all good if I graduate, accept my parents efforts and just be the intelligent and hopeful parson that I always was.

I have dried my eyes.